March 22, 2016

Expect the Unexpected

God has a plan for me6 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant with baby #3. Number THREE! Yes, I just barely had a baby! This was very unplanned and very unexpected. I wasn’t planning on having another baby for 2+ years. I started young, so I will be a 23 year old mama with a 3 1/2 year old, an 18 month old, and a newborn!  I am so scared! I squealed like a little girl when I took that pregnancy test. It was a “I seriously can’t believe this is happening, no this can’t be right, AHH!” kind of a scream. It didn’t really register until I called my mom crying that night. She asked why I was crying, and I whimpered, “I don’t want to be pregnant right now!” You guys know that I struggled adjusting to two, and I feel like I finally got into the swing of things. We are also trying to sell our house to move 7 hours away and my husband is going to be starting his new job this month and will be working away from us during the week. There are a lot of unknown factors that will be going on with that that are completely out of our control. It makes me really nervous to think that I will be packing up boxes and possibly living out of suitcases AGAIN with a new baby. There are also little, insignificant things that I am sad about. I was so excited to get skinny and go swimming every day in warm St. George this summer! I was going to start taking ballroom again (I have missed it so much since we moved to Vernal where there are no ballroom classes.)  And I was excited for my kids to be at ages where it’s easy to take them out and do things during the day since they don’t nap as much as they get older.

I quickly told myself that everything will be okay. I will have a house full of laughter and love. I love babies, and I am sure I will be baby hungry by then anyways! By the next morning I was already accepting things and realized it’s not the end of the world. I mean people PLAN on having kids that close together, right?! People have told me that since I am already used to balancing my time, and my kids are used to not getting all of the individual attention, it will be a much easier adjustment than it was with my 2. And there is definitely a reason you are pregnant for 9+ months, because just in the last 6 weeks I have started to get really excited about this new little peanut.

There have been bad days too. One day, I just wanted to be sad. Lucas gave me a rough start to my day. I had a horrible headache (and I have had one everyday since.) My hormones were raging. I was trying to hold myself together and keep telling myself that everything will be okay.   I have been trying to be super positive and grateful for my life. AND I AM. Seriously, I know I have a great life, and I am not asking for sympathy right now. But that day I took a minute, turned on some sad music, and just let my emotions out. I cried about stupid, insignificant things that shouldn’t be cried about, but still made me sad anyways. I let myself cry about the fact that I won’t be able to take ballroom classes for another year. I cried that my kids won’t get as much one-on-one attention with me. I cried that I am going to have to deal with back pain, insomnia, and morning sickness for another 9 months. I cried that I am going to have twice as much weight to lose, since I haven’t lost it all from my last pregnancy. I cried that 2 out of my 3 kids were unplanned (and then this made me laugh). I cried that things just plain didn’t go the way I wanted. And I realized, that’s okay.

How would we ever learn anything if everything went exactly as we planned?

When I got pregnant with my first son, I was 19 and was not yet married. This was my first experience of not having things go the way I planned. Up until that point, I pretty much knew how I wanted my life to go. I had a plan for my future. There had always been a way to fix my mistakes and change the outcome of my future.  I remember feeling so helpless when I found out I was pregnant. Like there is literally nothing I can do about this. It was then that I had a true understanding of God’s power. I realized that this is what God has in store for me. He knows what I need. I was able to marry the man of my dreams, and although it happened much more quickly than I planned, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. And I can’t even imagine life without my little boy. I absolutely know he came into my life when I needed him to. Heavenly Father knew what I needed, long before I ever did.

We have to remember that God knows what we need in our lives. He knows what blessings we need that we are unaware of. He knows what trials will make us grow stronger. He knows what it will take to shape us into the person we are meant to become. As hard as it is sometimes, we have to just put our faith in Him. He loves each of us and wants us to be happy, but sometimes it takes unexpected things in order for us to become the person He sees us becoming.

I am going to have 3 beautiful babies that are all mine. All of my kids are going to be close. We are going to be living in sunny St. George in our own little home soon enough. I am going to have a new little baby to snuggle (I LOVE BABIES SO MUCH.) This struggle will be short-lived, and soon I will wonder what my life was like before I had 3 kids. I am very grateful that I haven’t struggled with infertility, because I can only imagine how difficult that would be. I know that Heavenly Father sees the whole picture and knows what my family needs. He is watching out for me and blessing me every day. I am grateful for my kids and my wonderful husband. And I am so excited for this new little angel to arrive!

 

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