April 6, 2015

My Heart Will Never Be Full

My Heart Will Never Be FullThroughout this pregnancy I have felt an uneasy sense of guilt. I try not to think about it, but I can’t help it. I feel guilty that I may not be able to be the mother I need to be to both of my children.

I feel guilty because I worry about Lucas. I worry that he isn’t going to feel as loved when he sees my playing with another sweet baby. I worry that he is going to miss our one-on-one time that we have together. I worry that I’m not going to be able to give him as much attention as he wants.

There are times when I see Lucas’ sweet smile and innocent eyes, and I think my heart could literally burst out of my chest! The love I have for him is completely inexplicable. I can’t help but think, “How could I ever love someone as much as I love him?” He is still my little baby!

I feel guilty because I worry about Arianne, who will be coming shortly. What if I really can’t love her as much as I love Lucas? What if I am not as good as a mother towards her? What if she doesn’t get as much attention as Lucas did/does get?

Today, I asked Lucas to help me put his old swing together for the new baby. Like the big boy that he is, he wanted to help do the buckles and push the buttons. Once we got it together, he wanted to sit in it. He sat in the swing and he looked up at me with his big blue eyes. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I remembered him, as a baby, lying in that same swing. He contently sat in that swing for quite some time, as if both of us were reminiscing. As he lay there, I came to a beautiful realization that God has blessed us with hearts that can never be too full.

There is not a “maximum capacity” to our ability to love. Sure, Lucas and I aren’t going to have as much one on one time. Arianne is definitely not going to get all of the attention that Lucas got as a baby. And I’m sure that there will be times that I won’t even want to be with either of them! But, that doesn’t mean that I am going to love them any less. I know that I will feel the same immediate love for Arianne as I did for Lucas when he was born. I have loved Ari very deeply thus far (just as I did for Lucas when he was in my belly.) But the love I felt for Lucas when he was born multiplied, and continues to multiply, infinitely; just as I know it will for Arianne.

This is one of God’s greatest gifts to us. In fact, it is a Godly trait. I am sure that God loves each of His children in a similar way to the way a mother loves each of her children. In fact His love is even greater than anything we could possibly understand. When I had Lucas, I remember my testimony of God’s love for me grew greatly. After realizing the love I had for Lucas, I realized that this must be similar to the way God loved me, as His child. Now that I am about to have another baby, I am realizing that this is the same way God loves each of His children. He wants each of us to feel of that love and to realize our own ability to love indefinitely.

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