April 3, 2015

You Married Too Young

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When my husband and I were dating, we went to one of Mike’s friend’s weddings. I was really nervous because I was going to be meeting some of his friends that I had never met before. Mike and I were engaged at the time, and obviously I wanted his friends to approve! We sat at a table by his friends, and everyone was introduced. One of his friends, very shortly after being introduced, said, “So, what temple are you guys getting married in?” Mike and I looked at each other and Mike replied, “Well, we are getting married in Jaisha’s hometown, but we are having a reception out here in Vernal, too.” His friend abruptly responded, “Well yeah, but what temple are you getting married in?” We were not getting married in the temple. We wanted to, but we couldn’t at this time. It was a really sensitive subject for us because we both knew how important it was. Mike had to simply respond, “We aren’t getting married in the temple.” As you can imagine, the table was quiet. What would you expect people, that you hardly knew, to say in response to that? We both felt pretty uncomfortable and I most certainly didn’t feel like his friends liked me.

The point of this story isn’t to bag on Mike’s friends! We are all great friends now, and this particular friend is a really nice guy. I know that he didn’t mean to make us feel bad. In fact, it’s somewhat of a compliment that he strongly assumed that we were getting married in the temple! My point is, that we all need to think before we speak. Until we know the true intent of someone’s heart, and the story behind their decision, we can’t ask such personal questions or give sound advice.

Have you ever heard any of the following comments:

“Are you sure you want to do that for a career? You will be doing that all day, every day!”
“You should finish your schooling before you get married.”
“You should date for a few years before you get married.”
“You are too young to marry.”
“You should live together for a while and see how things work out first.”
“You have been dating for a while! When are you guys getting married?”
“You should have a career for a while before you decide to have kids.”
“When are you going to start having kids?”
“You have been married for a while! Why haven’t you had any kids yet?”
“Are you sure you are ready to have kids? They are a lot of work, ya know!”
“When are you going to have another baby?”
“You have how many kids?!”
“Your window for having children is closing pretty soon, ya know!”

I’m sure all of us have heard at least one of those comments at some point in our lives. People really do mean well. We all want to know the personal details of people’s lives and give some miraculous advice that is going to make their lives better. But, we need to know the reason why before we try to give advice.  Before you say things like that, you should think, “Do I really know this person well enough to ask such a question? This person probably has thought a lot about this decision. I wonder what has happened in their life that has caused them to choose this.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”(Albert Carnus).

I read an article last night about a woman who said she married too young and had kids too young. She said she saw others her age attending college and staying out late with friends. She said, “I wanted a life. I wanted something else.” Reading this infuriated me! How could she not see that her life was so much more fulfilling? That raising children and sharing your life with another person is the most rewarding feeling you could ever have?! Although I don’t agree with what she said, I realized something. Everyone has different experiences in life. Some people may really feel like they need to date a lot of people before they get married. Some people really are too immature to get married (and they know it.) Some people can’t have children. Some people are too overwhelmed with just one or two children. Some people need to work while they raise a family. Everyone is at different stages in their life and what works for one person, may not work for another.

I always knew that I was going to be married young. I don’t know why, I just had a feeling. And I was perfectly fine with that! I never had a desire to drink or party, I have always loved children, and I had a strong desire to be a good wife and mother. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable at dances with my friends and I disliked recreational dating. I was only 18, but I remember feeling lonely because I wanted to be with someone and share my life with that special someone. This was who I was. I have never regretted getting married and having children so young. I feel more like myself now, than I ever have in my life. But, this is me. This is who I am.

Everyone wants different things at different times in their lives. Some people get to choose when these things happen; others have to live with the hand they are dealt. That’s why I think we all need to have a deep love and understanding for others before we try to help them with decisions in their lives.

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